Alone and Naked in Lisbon

alone and naked in Lisbon -

When the apartment rentals company Roomorama reached out to me last month about extending our partnership and offering to host me in apartments around the world on a monthly basis, well, I don’t think they really quite knew what they were getting into. The write up I gave them on Malaga? That was a little unconventional to say the least. The one you’re about to read now? Well let me just warn you in advance. Brace yourselves.

What follows isn’t your average accommodation review.

Rocking up in Lisbon (rocking? I’ve been saying that too much of late) I travelled overnight from Madrid to arrive in the centre of the city at Rossio plaza. Having then been offered drugs by four separate dealers – all in less than five minutes – naturally I began to wonder what kind of hell I’d stepped into. Thankfully, as the Portuguese capital’s dilapidated buildings and shady characters loomed over me, I made a break down to Martim Moniz and quickly found myself walled up in the safe sanctity of a centuries-old studio apartment.

There, greeted at the door by a rather lovely raven-haired Portuguese lady, it was explained to me that I would have the run of the apartment (a four bedroom studio purposefully designed for artists and other free-loving hippies) for the remainder of my four night stay.

That’s right. An apartment. A lovely one. Alone. For four nights.

And so what does any world-weary traveller do in the shadow of that kind of news? Why, they get naked in celebration of course. Or at least I did…

Vomit bags at the ready? You’re going to need them.

alone and naked in Lisbon - bed

Colin Wright? Nah. It's so much better than that.

 

So now you’ve feasted your eyes on that (hat-tip to naked Mac wielding man Colin Wright for that sexy idea), well you can see for yourselves just what kind of fun I got up to in my apartment room in Lisbon. A double to myself and an armchair in the corner, I made it mine. The startled neighbours across the square caught an occasional eyeful too. Not that there was much to catch ;)

As for all those doubts and fears I’d expressed previously about my Spanish Iberian adventure? Being naked and alone solved all that. My doubts over the continuation of My Spanish Adventure all seemed pretty trivial with my flaccid pale member bouncing wildly in the thin Portuguese air.

But wait. The fun didn’t stop there. The eye candy continues. Just check out the bay windows on this.

alone and naked in Lisbon - window-gaze

Oh my that's a lovely bay window...

 

See how lovely, when you cast your sinful eyes away from my malnourished frame, the lounge area of my Lisbon apartment looks? The book resting in the window sill is a smart move too. And one that would prove especially useful later.

But first, the most important room of all short-term let apartments. The room where the most blushing is done (at least when this sultry travel writer rolls into town). The bathroom.

naked and alone in Lisbon - shower-scene

 

That porcelain white basin? That neatly creased curtain? The sparkling silver taps giving life to my loins? I’d give them all a good 10/10 in the cleanliness stakes. All that hostel filth and grime from Madrid washed off very smoothly indeed.

And so after such long and desperate scrubbing, of course I was going to need a good sit down. Luckily my Lisbon apartment also had me neatly covered in that area too…

alone and naked in Lisbon - lampandcouch

Casting an almighty glow

 

That soft leather armchair was the surface of dreams. And all I needed after a weary day of seeing the Lisbon sights and eating all the bacalao humanly possible.

Yet alas. There was something missing. That absolute freedom and wild wanderlust that landing in a new city and a lovely airy apartment brings? Well that can only best be embraced by tackling it. Or, perhaps better put, getting your tackle out in the midst of it…

alone and naked in Lisbon - aloneandnaked

I told you those books would come to good use

 

So in summation of my time spent “hanging” in my Lisbon apartment, let’s just say it was a fun one. As for those books? I’m sure the apartment owners will be pleased to know that they came to good use. Even if a single page remained unopened.

And for those of you who came here to read about Lisbon? This I’ll say: this is My Spanish Adventure not My Lonely Planet. My naked bodice is just as good a representation of a Portugal’s “biggest” city than any other you’ll find anyway. Just ask any other female travel blogger worth their salt.

“Size” really does matter after all.

Thanks to Roomorama for putting me up. And bringing this filth to the audience it deserves.

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71 Responses to Alone and Naked in Lisbon

  1. Adam April 30, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    ha! definitely support this type of accommodation review from now on. You’ve got one brave photographer!
    Adam recently posted..“europe will always be there” & other excuses for avoiding travel in europeMy Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

      Aye, the photographer is definitely worth their weight in gold. Glad I’ve got your support. If I can entertain you privately I have handsome fees for that.

  2. Nadia April 30, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    I want to know who took this photos…

    • Katie B April 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

      Maybe the ‘lovely raven-haired Portuguese lady’?

      • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

        Alas, no, but she was rather startled when she walked in on that last shot…

  3. Katie B April 30, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    Wow Will, great apartment! I can’t get over the fact you said ‘reached out’ in the first line of this post. What’s happened to you dude?

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

      I’m in demand my love. Much more than I was at GD towers!

  4. Micamyx|Senyorita April 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Oh my goodness Will! Hahaha you made my night! =)) More pics of the skinny Brit, please! =))
    Micamyx|Senyorita recently posted..Travel Photo of the Week: Answered Prayer | Baclayon Church in Bohol, PhilippinesMy Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

      Oh there’s plenty more. I’m bulking up though. Maybe a penis reduction too. I needed a big stack of books. You can see that if you look closely ;)

  5. Jeremy April 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    hahahahahahaha this is great! Colin wright’s scraggly woolen chest holds no light to the way the soft Iberian sun illuminates your pallid penile region. Bravo!
    Jeremy recently posted..Photo(s) of the Week: Being Hipster at the MoMa in NYCMy Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

      Why thanks. Next time you can come and block out the rays for me Mr Albelda.

  6. Liz | Two Weeks to Travel April 30, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    Absolutely stunning, I am ready to rent that room for myself next time I am in Lisbon. What a flat, what a post, what a very frail little man.
    Liz | Two Weeks to Travel recently posted..Inside All my Travel Planning SecretsMy Profile

  7. Charlotte April 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Too funny. And a little bit frightening…
    Charlotte recently posted..Going Local in… Gran CanariaMy Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      Frightening in the way you’ve never seen such sexiness?

  8. Audrey | That Backpacker April 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    Pffft! Haha, Will, why am I not surprised…
    Audrey | That Backpacker recently posted..London Through Arielle’s EyesMy Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

      If you’re referring to being surprised at my sexiness, well, it’s everywhere. There’s no possible way you can avoid a face like this…

  9. Adam April 30, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

    that’s one brave photographer!
    Adam recently posted..“europe will always be there” & other excuses for avoiding travel in europeMy Profile

  10. janet April 30, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    self timer skills?? i hope?
    LOL I love the last line!! You’re such a hilarious writer… I love it. The pictures are quite clever.. especially the “Colin Wright” one…
    janet recently posted..29 in 29 sale!My Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

      You got it ;) Thanks. I owe everything to Colin. He has more chest hair than me though. For that I despise him.

  11. Dustin Main - Skinny Backpacker April 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    “malnourished frame”

    bahaha Brilliant!
    Dustin Main – Skinny Backpacker recently posted..Update on What’s Been Going On March 2012 – AsiaMy Profile

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

      This is what happens when you keep up with vegetarianism in Spain. A need some meat in me. In many ways…

  12. Patrick April 30, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

    Lisbon has this effect on some!
    Patrick recently posted..Saturday morning in Xativa: A Celebration of Valencian Traditions and HistoryMy Profile

  13. Adventurous Kate April 30, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    FAP.

    That is all.
    Adventurous Kate recently posted..Sexy Pools Around the WorldMy Profile

  14. Erik R. April 30, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    Well….THAT was not your average travel blog post.

    You are one weird, but creative, blogger.
    Erik R. recently posted..Cantabrian Clubs Without Courses Championship 2012My Profile

  15. Aaron @ Aaron's Worldwide Adventures April 30, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    Well these sure are experiences you can’t have in a hostel, eh?
    Aaron @ Aaron’s Worldwide Adventures recently posted..I’m Going to Iraq!My Profile

  16. Benjamin April 30, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    I’m pretty sure I’ve still seen more.
    Benjamin recently posted..Your Happiness Delta (the Saddest Man on Earth)My Profile

  17. flipnomad April 30, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    first ever kind of post ive ever seen… very creative Will!
    flipnomad recently posted..Meet the Nomads – Jeremy Albelda of The World or BustMy Profile

  18. Elisa April 30, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    Wow…I totally blushed the entire time reading this. Must be the sexy appeal of an apartment in Lisbon! ;)
    Elisa recently posted..Taking Risks On Training WheelsMy Profile

  19. Andrew April 30, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    I read My Spanish Adventures for the articles, honestly.
    Andrew recently posted..Waging War on Cheapskate Audiences – Pt 2My Profile

  20. Jeremy April 30, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    You were obviously the right person for the job.
    Jeremy recently posted..My 7 Super Shots: The New Zealand EditionMy Profile

  21. Jeffrey April 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    Great place, but I could probably never stay there now after reading this post. Looks like you really explored the whole space.
    Jeffrey recently posted..Only 72: If You’re Serious About Building an Online BusinessMy Profile

  22. Denise May 1, 2012 at 12:03 am #

    you…are…just….hilarious!!!!
    Denise recently posted..Live Update from Australia: When everything starts falling into placeMy Profile

  23. Jackie D May 1, 2012 at 12:18 am #

    ….and the apartment owners never touched anything in those rooms ever again
    Jackie D recently posted..books & travelMy Profile

  24. MK May 1, 2012 at 12:38 am #

    Wow. Lisbon certainly has a strong effect on some writers. Now to read something dull…

  25. crazy sexy fun traveler May 1, 2012 at 4:31 am #

    I’m gonna pee myself, Will! I’m laughing like never right now :D Just thinking, should we all do those naked hotel/travel agencies promotions to get more visitors? It definitely does work :D
    crazy sexy fun traveler recently posted..PAMPAS TOUR IN THE AMAZON OF BOLIVIA – DAY 1My Profile

  26. Lissie May 1, 2012 at 9:45 am #

    Definitely take the prize for most creative paid post I’ve seen EVER Beautiful – shame about the photos!
    Lissie recently posted..Historic Images – Everest from Kala Pattar 1990My Profile

  27. Anthony May 1, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    I’ve got a proper broner…

    • Waegook Tom May 1, 2012 at 11:20 am #

      You and me both, Middleton.

      Mine’s wildly inappropriate as I’m at work.

      In a school.

      …in the teacher’s room. Not the classroom, what do you take me for?

      Maybe Peach can invite you over to his next place and you can do some sexy duo shots?

      MY MIND IS EXPLODING.
      Waegook Tom recently posted..Cappadocia: Land of the Cock RocksMy Profile

  28. TinTin May 1, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    this made my day! :) i’m laughing so much right now..

    u can be an a&f model! :p
    TinTin recently posted..It’s not "Goodbye", it’s "See you soon"!! :)My Profile

  29. SheLovesLondon May 1, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Brilliant. Best apartment review ever. And I reckon Roomarama will definitely be back for round 3.
    SheLovesLondon recently posted..Why Commuting by Bus is LOADS Better than the Tube (Fact)My Profile

  30. Edna May 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Mona Lisa looks pretty pleased by what she sees in that last shot….
    Edna recently posted..The 5 Best Things I Ate in France in AprilMy Profile

  31. D.J. - The World of Deej May 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    Awesome….Not much else to say:)
    D.J. – The World of Deej recently posted..Traumatized at The Happiest Place on EarthMy Profile

  32. George May 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    Will I am constantly in awe of you and I’m not just on about the naked pictures ;) The way you can turn a mundane apartment review into a photo shoot more at home in the pages of playgirl than on a travel blog astounds me. Keep thinking outside the box. x
    George recently posted..The Vaterland vs The Land of my Fathers – Thoughts of an Ex Ex-PatMy Profile

  33. Arabella May 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    Miedito me das… hahahahah

  34. Mo May 4, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    Great post, you´re an original Will (unfortunate name tho), so keep it up (help!). I remember spending a week in Lisbon with four other often naked females in the 80s, but the “apartment” was an absolute filthly bitch and the pushers were up our stair, not on the Rossio. And the toilet was shared by about 24 people, mostly half-clad too. Your experience is absolutely and gratefully designer!
    Mo recently posted..Fresh TunaMy Profile

  35. Bret @ Green Global Travel May 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

    Twisted, irreverent, self-deprecating… I like it! First time reader here, but I’ll definitely be back. In the meantime, put some clothes on, ya hippie!
    Bret @ Green Global Travel recently posted..GGT Seeking Interns For Summer & Beyond!My Profile

  36. Liz May 7, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

    HAHAHAHA this is incredible!!

  37. Zara Backpack ME May 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    If next time I book an apartment via Roomorama I don’t find a naked dude inside the house posing like this… I’m gonna be very disappointed!!

  38. Kiri Bowers May 11, 2012 at 4:59 am #

    Yep, definitely working with a madman.
    Kiri Bowers recently posted..Laos Travel – Top 5 Adventure Activities in LaosMy Profile

  39. Erica May 11, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    HAHAHAHAHAKSjdklajsdklaj

    This is the greatest review EVER.

    EVER.
    Erica recently posted..Traveling History Lesson: Las MalvinasMy Profile

  40. Alison May 29, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

    Ha ha, hmmm this is definitely a different way to do a review. I’ve read so many of these Roomerama reviews and this one stands out. What can I say, you’ve got balls!
    Alison recently posted..Art In Vancouver And Victoria: Street ArtMy Profile

  41. Nate @yomadic June 6, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    haha this is great. Nice work Will.
    Nate @yomadic recently posted..Bangkok Dangerous – My Recollection of A Peoples Uprising – Part OneMy Profile

  42. Vicky June 14, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Slightly disturbed/best review ever.
    Vicky recently posted..Travel Magazines and Websites I Want My Name InMy Profile

  43. @mrsoaroundworld July 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    Never in my mind did I think that my hometown would make it to Will Peach’s life. Now, you put Lisbon in the map. Literally. And we thank you for that.

    Apartment reviews will never be the same again

  44. Daniel McBane - Funny Travel Stories December 17, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    You perverts! I just came here for the articles…
    Daniel McBane – Funny Travel Stories recently posted..Who Says Trekking in Nepal Has to Involve Lots of Walking?My Profile

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