Alone and Naked in Lisbon

alone and naked in Lisbon -

When the apartment rentals company Roomorama reached out to me last month about extending our partnership and offering to host me in apartments around the world on a monthly basis, well, I don’t think they really quite knew what they were getting into. The write up I gave them on Malaga? That was a little unconventional to say the least. The one you’re about to read now? Well let me just warn you in advance. Brace yourselves.

What follows isn’t your average accommodation review.

Rocking up in Lisbon (rocking? I’ve been saying that too much of late) I travelled overnight from Madrid to arrive in the centre of the city at Rossio plaza. Having then been offered drugs by four separate dealers – all in less than five minutes – naturally I began to wonder what kind of hell I’d stepped into. Thankfully, as the Portuguese capital’s dilapidated buildings and shady characters loomed over me, I made a break down to Martim Moniz and quickly found myself walled up in the safe sanctity of a centuries-old studio apartment.

There, greeted at the door by a rather lovely raven-haired Portuguese lady, it was explained to me that I would have the run of the apartment (a four bedroom studio purposefully designed for artists and other free-loving hippies) for the remainder of my four night stay.

That’s right. An apartment. A lovely one. Alone. For four nights.

And so what does any world-weary traveller do in the shadow of that kind of news? Why, they get naked in celebration of course. Or at least I did…

Vomit bags at the ready? You’re going to need them.

alone and naked in Lisbon - bed

Colin Wright? Nah. It's so much better than that.


So now you’ve feasted your eyes on that (hat-tip to naked Mac wielding man Colin Wright for that sexy idea), well you can see for yourselves just what kind of fun I got up to in my apartment room in Lisbon. A double to myself and an armchair in the corner, I made it mine. The startled neighbours across the square caught an occasional eyeful too. Not that there was much to catch 😉

As for all those doubts and fears I’d expressed previously about my Spanish Iberian adventure? Being naked and alone solved all that. My doubts over the continuation of My Spanish Adventure all seemed pretty trivial with my flaccid pale member bouncing wildly in the thin Portuguese air.

But wait. The fun didn’t stop there. The eye candy continues. Just check out the bay windows on this.

alone and naked in Lisbon - window-gaze

Oh my that's a lovely bay window...


See how lovely, when you cast your sinful eyes away from my malnourished frame, the lounge area of my Lisbon apartment looks? The book resting in the window sill is a smart move too. And one that would prove especially useful later.

But first, the most important room of all short-term let apartments. The room where the most blushing is done (at least when this sultry travel writer rolls into town). The bathroom.

naked and alone in Lisbon - shower-scene


That porcelain white basin? That neatly creased curtain? The sparkling silver taps giving life to my loins? I’d give them all a good 10/10 in the cleanliness stakes. All that hostel filth and grime from Madrid washed off very smoothly indeed.

And so after such long and desperate scrubbing, of course I was going to need a good sit down. Luckily my Lisbon apartment also had me neatly covered in that area too…

alone and naked in Lisbon - lampandcouch

Casting an almighty glow


That soft leather armchair was the surface of dreams. And all I needed after a weary day of seeing the Lisbon sights and eating all the bacalao humanly possible.

Yet alas. There was something missing. That absolute freedom and wild wanderlust that landing in a new city and a lovely airy apartment brings? Well that can only best be embraced by tackling it. Or, perhaps better put, getting your tackle out in the midst of it…

alone and naked in Lisbon - aloneandnaked

I told you those books would come to good use


So in summation of my time spent “hanging” in my Lisbon apartment, let’s just say it was a fun one. As for those books? I’m sure the apartment owners will be pleased to know that they came to good use. Even if a single page remained unopened.

And for those of you who came here to read about Lisbon? This I’ll say: this is My Spanish Adventure not My Lonely Planet. My naked bodice is just as good a representation of a Portugal’s “biggest” city than any other you’ll find anyway. Just ask any other female travel blogger worth their salt.

“Size” really does matter after all.

Thanks to Roomorama for putting me up. And bringing this filth to the audience it deserves.

71 Responses to Alone and Naked in Lisbon

  1. Adam April 30, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    ha! definitely support this type of accommodation review from now on. You’ve got one brave photographer!

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

      Aye, the photographer is definitely worth their weight in gold. Glad I’ve got your support. If I can entertain you privately I have handsome fees for that.

  2. Nadia April 30, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    I want to know who took this photos…

    • Katie B April 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

      Maybe the ‘lovely raven-haired Portuguese lady’?

      • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

        Alas, no, but she was rather startled when she walked in on that last shot…

  3. Katie B April 30, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    Wow Will, great apartment! I can’t get over the fact you said ‘reached out’ in the first line of this post. What’s happened to you dude?

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

      I’m in demand my love. Much more than I was at GD towers!

  4. Micamyx|Senyorita April 30, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Oh my goodness Will! Hahaha you made my night! =)) More pics of the skinny Brit, please! =))

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

      Oh there’s plenty more. I’m bulking up though. Maybe a penis reduction too. I needed a big stack of books. You can see that if you look closely 😉

  5. Jeremy April 30, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    hahahahahahaha this is great! Colin wright’s scraggly woolen chest holds no light to the way the soft Iberian sun illuminates your pallid penile region. Bravo!

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

      Why thanks. Next time you can come and block out the rays for me Mr Albelda.

  6. Liz | Two Weeks to Travel April 30, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    Absolutely stunning, I am ready to rent that room for myself next time I am in Lisbon. What a flat, what a post, what a very frail little man.

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

      Can we expect more of the same when you go there Liz?

      • Liz | Two Weeks to Travel May 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

        Yes, I will just need to be able to rig my shelving of books from the ceiling, but other than that, I don’t foresee any issues.

  7. Charlotte April 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

    Too funny. And a little bit frightening…

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      Frightening in the way you’ve never seen such sexiness?

  8. Audrey | That Backpacker April 30, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    Pffft! Haha, Will, why am I not surprised…

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

      If you’re referring to being surprised at my sexiness, well, it’s everywhere. There’s no possible way you can avoid a face like this…

  9. Adam April 30, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

    that’s one brave photographer!

  10. janet April 30, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    self timer skills?? i hope?
    LOL I love the last line!! You’re such a hilarious writer… I love it. The pictures are quite clever.. especially the “Colin Wright” one…

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

      You got it 😉 Thanks. I owe everything to Colin. He has more chest hair than me though. For that I despise him.

  11. Dustin Main - Skinny Backpacker April 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    “malnourished frame”

    bahaha Brilliant!

    • Will May 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm #

      This is what happens when you keep up with vegetarianism in Spain. A need some meat in me. In many ways…

  12. Patrick April 30, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

    Lisbon has this effect on some!

  13. Adventurous Kate April 30, 2012 at 4:40 pm #


    That is all.

  14. Erik R. April 30, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

    Well….THAT was not your average travel blog post.

    You are one weird, but creative, blogger.

  15. Aaron @ Aaron's Worldwide Adventures April 30, 2012 at 4:44 pm #

    Well these sure are experiences you can’t have in a hostel, eh?

  16. Benjamin April 30, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    I’m pretty sure I’ve still seen more.

  17. flipnomad April 30, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    first ever kind of post ive ever seen… very creative Will!

  18. Elisa April 30, 2012 at 5:16 pm #

    Wow…I totally blushed the entire time reading this. Must be the sexy appeal of an apartment in Lisbon! 😉

  19. Andrew April 30, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    I read My Spanish Adventures for the articles, honestly.

  20. Jeremy April 30, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    You were obviously the right person for the job.

  21. Jeffrey April 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    Great place, but I could probably never stay there now after reading this post. Looks like you really explored the whole space.

  22. Denise May 1, 2012 at 12:03 am #


  23. Jackie D May 1, 2012 at 12:18 am #

    ….and the apartment owners never touched anything in those rooms ever again

  24. MK May 1, 2012 at 12:38 am #

    Wow. Lisbon certainly has a strong effect on some writers. Now to read something dull…

  25. crazy sexy fun traveler May 1, 2012 at 4:31 am #

    I’m gonna pee myself, Will! I’m laughing like never right now 😀 Just thinking, should we all do those naked hotel/travel agencies promotions to get more visitors? It definitely does work 😀

  26. Lissie May 1, 2012 at 9:45 am #

    Definitely take the prize for most creative paid post I’ve seen EVER Beautiful – shame about the photos!

  27. Anthony May 1, 2012 at 10:16 am #

    I’ve got a proper broner…

    • Waegook Tom May 1, 2012 at 11:20 am #

      You and me both, Middleton.

      Mine’s wildly inappropriate as I’m at work.

      In a school.

      …in the teacher’s room. Not the classroom, what do you take me for?

      Maybe Peach can invite you over to his next place and you can do some sexy duo shots?


  28. TinTin May 1, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    this made my day! 🙂 i’m laughing so much right now..

    u can be an a&f model! :p

  29. SheLovesLondon May 1, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

    Brilliant. Best apartment review ever. And I reckon Roomarama will definitely be back for round 3.

  30. Edna May 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Mona Lisa looks pretty pleased by what she sees in that last shot….

  31. D.J. - The World of Deej May 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

    Awesome….Not much else to say:)

  32. George May 2, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    Will I am constantly in awe of you and I’m not just on about the naked pictures 😉 The way you can turn a mundane apartment review into a photo shoot more at home in the pages of playgirl than on a travel blog astounds me. Keep thinking outside the box. x

  33. Arabella May 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    Miedito me das… hahahahah

  34. Mo May 4, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    Great post, you´re an original Will (unfortunate name tho), so keep it up (help!). I remember spending a week in Lisbon with four other often naked females in the 80s, but the “apartment” was an absolute filthly bitch and the pushers were up our stair, not on the Rossio. And the toilet was shared by about 24 people, mostly half-clad too. Your experience is absolutely and gratefully designer!

  35. Bret @ Green Global Travel May 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm #

    Twisted, irreverent, self-deprecating… I like it! First time reader here, but I’ll definitely be back. In the meantime, put some clothes on, ya hippie!

  36. Liz May 7, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

    HAHAHAHA this is incredible!!

  37. Zara Backpack ME May 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    If next time I book an apartment via Roomorama I don’t find a naked dude inside the house posing like this… I’m gonna be very disappointed!!

  38. Kiri Bowers May 11, 2012 at 4:59 am #

    Yep, definitely working with a madman.

  39. Erica May 11, 2012 at 5:16 pm #


    This is the greatest review EVER.


  40. Alison May 29, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

    Ha ha, hmmm this is definitely a different way to do a review. I’ve read so many of these Roomerama reviews and this one stands out. What can I say, you’ve got balls!

  41. Nate @yomadic June 6, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    haha this is great. Nice work Will.

  42. Vicky June 14, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    Slightly disturbed/best review ever.

  43. @mrsoaroundworld July 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    Never in my mind did I think that my hometown would make it to Will Peach’s life. Now, you put Lisbon in the map. Literally. And we thank you for that.

    Apartment reviews will never be the same again

  44. Daniel McBane - Funny Travel Stories December 17, 2012 at 11:57 am #

    You perverts! I just came here for the articles…


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