What does it take to piss a Spaniard off?
Yesterday I saw, for the first time, my first proper Spanish protest and, to my innocent virgin eyes, the one and only time I’ve actually witnessed the Spanish angry. Having moved here from London, a month after the eve of the London riots and with a whole winters worth of angry and violent protest behind me, it’s proved surprising just how apathetic and chilled the Spanish seem to be in the face of their country getting raped and pillaged by corrupt financiers and bankers. Oh and me.
So when it came to the events of yesterday, after accompanying my socialist flatmate (yes she has dreadlocks) to the national bank on Gran Via, in the centre of Granada, I was smacking my lips in anticipation at the event of seeing some Spanish skulls get crushed by the policia. What I saw instead dismayed me a little. Yes there were some seriously Spanish angry people, but there weren’t many of them. And the frying pans? Did they really hope to effect much change armed only with kitchen utensils? The English “yoofs” were throwing missiles for chrissakes!
But it’s this connection that first got me thinking about the title of this post. If this many people (about five) showed up to protest a new law that would further damage the economy, I couldn’t help but start thinking:
“What more does it actually take to make the Spanish angry?”
Coming up with my own – very stereotypical – list of suggestions has proved quite fun. Got any more to add?
1. Banning the El Classico
I’m sure my dear old Hamatha would be just as up in arms about this as your average Spaniard. Ban any match-ups between Barcelona and Real Madrid and I’m pretty sure there would be war on the streets. Imagine Jose Mourinho left weeping in the corner of the Plaza de Sol while Iker Casillas, out of sheer desperation, transfers to Atletico just for one more crack at Pep Guardiola’s azulgrana.
2. Slapping a Compulsory Health Warning on Magdalenas
Most people will tell you alcohol is a drug, actually it’s a drink. Magadalenas on the other hand, Spain’s muffin-like breakfast cake, are much more akin to crack (I should know, I’ve had my fair amount of pipe sucks). Slap a health warning on all packaging like this – “Magdalena’s can seriously damage your health and lead to erectile dysfunction” – and I guarantee you there’d be wild looting of panaderias by Spanish diabetics everywhere. Let’s face it; putting a compulsory age limit on the purchase of this lethal sweet poison would make the Spanish angry indeed!
3. Publically Outing a Torero
As it only took Spanish matador Joselito Ortega pure association with the homosexual world – by advertising a popular drink on the gay scene – to rile the nation into a red-rag like frenzy, just imagine the sort of sensation the public outing of a torero would cause? A scandal like this, in the most macho of Spanish sports, surely might be enough to fill the streets. Funny, as I heard Rajoy was into both things when he was younger…
4. Kicking Canis Out of Jewellery Shops
Oh so you thought England’s “chavs” were a rare-breed did you – and that no other country had the same? Wrong. Spain has these tracksuit-clad, hooped earring-douchebags too. But here they call them canis. Stop this lot from shopping in Spain’s joyerias (jewellery stores) and where else are they going to get their cordones del oro (tacky gold shit) from? You’ve got a Kappa-infested riot on your hands my friends.
Your typical Cani - look at those murderous eyes...
5. No-Nudity Censors on Spanish TV
Chances are if you’ve been in Spain a while and had the pleasure of watching a lot of TV, then you’ve likely seen your fair share of boobs and up-skirt action. It’s not even that difficult to spot a vagina before the watershed – I saw one eating a sandwich at 2pm once! Place a no-nudity censorship agreement on Spanish TV though and all stations would likely shut down for lack of programming. No TV would definitely make the Spanish angry enough to go to war.
6. Slagging off Spanish Food in a Tapas Bar
If there’s one move likely to turn you into public enemy number one in any of Spain’s towns or cities then it’s surely slagging off Spanish cuisine. To say that they are proud of it – and unwilling to even consider the idea that any other country’s food comes close – would be an understatement. Say this in a tapas bar and I bet you there would be a brawl that would make any English football hooligan run for the hills.
7. Turning off a Joaquin Sabina CD and Putting on the Greatest Hits of Engelbert Humperdink
Imagine the scene, you arrive at a house party in Madrid, wonder what the wailing music is, proceed swiftly over to the stereo and wack on a bit of Engelbert. What did you do? You just turned off Spain’s “Bob Dylan” and the sacred music that is that of Joaquin Sabina. Now you’re laying out cold on the floor surrounded by a Spanish angry mob.
8. Calling Franco (not James) a God
For something that happened many, many years ago, the Spanish are still a bit touchy about General Franco and the dictatorship that ruled the country. Outwardly praise him and you’re asking for trouble. It’s a lot like bigging up Maggie Thatcher to a Brit. People would most likely spit on you, piss on you or worse.
My list of provocations? The big irony is that none of these suggestions would cause even a remote raising of an eyebrow. Angry Spanish people simply don’t exist in this, the most laid-back country I’ve ever had the experience of living in.
Let them get back to the siestas.
What things do you think it would take to make the Spanish angry? Agree on any of these?
“It’s not even that difficult to spot a vagina before the watershed – I saw one eating a sandwich at 2pm once!”
Best quote ever.
Niall Doherty recently posted..A Serious Inefficiency Of My Computer Use (And Probably Yours Too)
I’m glad I brightened up your day mate! You have done with mine many a time. I had you at vagina right?
Yeah, as much as I LOVE the idea of “Jose Mourinho left weeping in the corner of the Plaza de Sol”, I have to have my classicos!
What other reason would I have to scarf down ham and beer for 2 hours straight?
Nicole recently posted..Art for Breakfast
You just love them so you can drool over Puyol…
Oh, how they snickered when someone was trying to tell me the basics of francismo in a public place once… I love how proud of their food and wine they are!! Especially now that they’re exporting more wine. Anyway, yes, they do protest! When they get going with “basta YA!” chants, whoa!
Abby recently posted..Chanel Fashion: Exclusive look at Numeros Prives
The basics of Francismo should never be publically aired. I’m surprised you weren’t lynched! Proud of their wine and food? You bet. I’ve not seen such passion.
Definitely on the money regarding Franco, Sabina and nudity. I’ve become so desensitized to random boobs and penises on television that I get confused when I don’t spot full frontals during primetime television in the states. Thanks Spain.
Hayley recently posted..Book ‘em Danno
“It’s not even that difficult to spot a vagina before the watershed – I saw one eating a sandwich at 2pm once!”
#dead
Another good article by the writer quickly become my favorite purveyor of words. Interestingly*, a period of change could come across the two el classico competitors, Real have already won the league and Mourinho looks set to leave at the end of the season, can’t see Pep staying too much longer either…
* not that interesting.
I wish I was a cani now…
Christopher recently posted..Deerhunter – Twilight at Carbon Lake
Sounds like they are as fanatic about football as the people in Buenos Aires.
Stephanie – The Travel Chica recently posted..Foto of the Week from … Cabo Froward Trek – The Happy Side
Try taking the cotilleos of the tv and you will have many pissed of Spaniards. They love gossiping. And you have never seen a Spaniard angry… man you must have missed these programs they ar doing nothing else then shouting and insulting there.
Reinier recently posted..Marbella approves plans to build 44 social properties
Toreros muy machos? Really? On those tight pink silky trousers? You’re kidding, aren’t you? In northern Spain we actually find them rather queer!!
Vieja Ceravieja recently posted..Don’t weep aroud the corners, guy!
I really wish I would have read this before I went to Spain instead of right after just coming back.
Laurel recently posted..Calcotada: A Catalonia Gastronomical Event
For us spanish people our food is not something we are proud of, its like a religion, its sacred. Its like Mahoma for muslims, you cannot offense it in our presence. In fact, in Spain you can offense Jesus Christ, but don’t you dare to do it with our food!!!!!!!
Regarding to TV, I just don’t get where’s the problem with vaginas, they are just vaginas, nothing that extreme. Death people in the news is more extreme than any of that you care that much. I really don’t understand it.
And Franco issues is something very sensible in part because they won the war, they stole our democracy and imposed a 40 years dictatorship during which there were lots of crimes allowed and sometimes induced by the system. Now these people are still alived and its not possible to judge it (as you may know for what happened weeks ago). So, its not only about losing a war in 1939, but about what hppened during 1939 and 1975, and also up to 1980… not that many, many, many years ago… if they had killed or stolen your child, would you forget?
Hmmm. I think Spanish people would be more upset about someone outing a futbol player than a torero. Way more people follow futbol than bullfighting. They would also be unhappy with my personal opinion that their A-list actress, Penelope Cruz looks like a duck….hmmm. I had a visiting friend that once refused to sample jamón, insisting it smelled like wet dog…that didn’t go over well either…
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