Officer please!
Nobody wants to die alone. Yet the sad truth is we all will. In the meantime, however, I’m just going to be like everyone else and cling, as desperately as I can, to whatever part of happiness I find in this world. Just because I’m at a loss of what to do in Spain doesn’t make that any different right?
The truth is that I didn’t really want to write about any of this. I thought that by maintaining this site, and focusing more closely on the issues of immersion and language study, that this, my white elephant, would go on remaining all the more invisible.
Yet given the principles of this project, and with my attempts to remain as honest, as transparent and as open as possible, how can I go on without mentioning the single, most important tie I have back home?
The damns are going to have to break.
Revisiting
The reason I’m addressing this now is because I’ve found myself revisiting lots of feelings of late. Some have been incredibly positive, others not so. Writing, for me, has proved to be an outlet. As a result of doing more than ever, I’ve began to open up lots of these old wounds.
One of those came to the fore earlier this month when I chose to revisit one particular memory of the past in a guest post over at Overyonder Lust. There, in that post, I lay bare the experience I had moving to Vietnam with an ex-girlfriend. The process of writing it cost me a lot. Not only did it help me to acknowledge the problem of my “obsession” and the crazy energy I have to see the world and not settle, but it also begged two fundamental questions.
Is this wanderlust forever going to drive me apart from people?
What to do in Spain cold and alone?
The Situation Now
I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t feel in danger of repeating my actions. I’m scared my life will charge onward with great speed and I’ll fall blind, once again, to everything and everyone great that’s already out there.
What’s out there now that I’m scared of losing? Probably the best gift I’ll have.
A girl.
The Distance Thing
She’s out there but she’s not in front of me. Front of my mind yes, but front of my body? Not quite. Distance separates us.
She’s back in London, working hard in life, seeing what comes, supporting, with unwavering commitment, every whim, every fancy, every ludicrous hair-brained fucking idea I have or continue to dream up.
She takes my calls when I’m experiencing the dizzying highs; she bears the brunt of my darker moments. Never does she tire, unload on me, or stop listening. Each time I hear her voice a part of her spirit reaches me, her message of perseverance, her belief that life works out in whatever way life chooses to work out. It’s reassuring to say the least.
Does anyone have any idea what it’s like to support a person with that much compassion? Has anyone ever given so much love, so much understanding, that they let someone they care about so deeply just go on out into the world, chase their dream and support them every step of the way?
I don’t. But this girl does. It’s exactly what she’s doing right now. By letting me. Knowing what to do in Spain, as I remain lonely and alone, becomes less of a concern.
Rare Breed
Right now as I sit here writing, the shutters down on my bedroom window, the warm air rolling in, she’s in another part of the world alone, going about her business, no doubt with concerns all of her own.
She could be feeling lonely, she could be feeling abandoned, she could be calling me up, Skyping me, whatever. She could be hanging on to my every word and begging me to come home.
On the flip side she could be out, drinking, dancing, courting the attention of other men, frolicking in their attentions and enjoying life, much more fully, without me. She’s every right to do so.
Yet she’s not doing any of that.
Instead she’s wishing me the best, rooting for me, giving me plenty ideas as of what to do in Spain, understanding that by being here I am bettering myself, bettering my understanding of the world and bettering my relationships with everyone around me. Even bettering us.
That’s a crazy kind of unselfishness right there. That’s the upside of being an outrageously cool fucking person.
That’s the kind of person I’ll never know a thing what it’s like to be.
Giving Up
Now to an outsider looking in on this situation, I’m aware that I appear, for all my honesty, like an incredibly selfish person. I know that I sometimes feel it. What kind of person facilitates a situation like this?
Let’s just say that at least I’ve been consistent. Even in very early phases of our relationship, it was made clear, that my plans to go off travelling again in the future were inevitable and unchangeable. Her wanting to see out her thing in London? I can totally understand. But I also knew that I couldn’t stay, London was squeezing me, sucking my creativity. Travel? I knew would make me feel alive again.
You might mistake travel as an excuse for running away from London. Perhaps even a thinly-veiled excuse for bailing out on this relationship? I hear what you’re saying. But then there are always plenty of people willing to wade in and give their advice.
My question is what do you truly know about me, about this, about life? My words, my blog, my silly suggestions on what to do in Spain for instance, even they can’t help to expose these complex truths.
If I did want to bring closure to the relationship then surely now, with the physical distance, it would be easier to take action. Cutting my ties and moving on? No doubt it would be less difficult not having to face the tears and the intimacy of human exchange.
But you know what? I could also just move forward, wait and see what comes. TRY.
With a human being at my side so goddamn cool that she’ll support all of that I’d be a fool not to take that chance.
So while I’m the first to admit that I don’t know what the future holds, especially for this long distance thing, all I can do is hope to highlight to some people that relationships (no matter how personal) are never so simply black and white.
It’s basically down to you and whether you can make it happen. And if you do happen, like me, to luck out and find someone who supports everything you want to do?
It’s simple: just go out and do it.
Finding out what to do in Spain without love needn’t be the challenge you’d expect.
I’m speechless!
What a honest post! As I was reading it, it brought tears to my eyes. What you say is simply beautiful! Keep trying and writing things like this, thank you!
@Maria Thanks so much for your comment! I’m so happy to know it had this kind of effect on you.
Will, Will, Will, Will!
I am absolutely blown away by this post and I also feel kind of bad. When we spoke on Skype, I suggested in a blasé way that you should just cut all ties with this lass.
I did have good intentions and I was aiming to help you move forward and not back as you were having a crap week and were a tad confused. However, I am a bit of a romantic at heart and this girl does sound (sorry if your mam is reading) fucking awesome. I still don’t have the answer for you with regards to what is the best thing to do – it’s obviously a very complex one!
She’s an extremely selfless girl, who seems to get you – but you are over there, trying to work it all out. And that’s not a bad thing, as travel is your passion and not many people get to live even a smidge of theirs.
I hope you work it out and I think you’re a brilliant writer, mate.
@Anthony Hi mate! Thanks for the kind words about my writing chops. I don’t want anyone to feel bad of course. I took what you said mate and analyzed and listened to myself. Only the people inside of these things truly know the answers!
Wow…found your blog through a friend of mine. I was in your position 8 years ago and I have to say it was a very difficult and draining experience. There is actually a movie premiering in NYC this weekend called, “Like Crazy” about geography and love- the girl is actually British. Anyways, hope things work out for you and I will follow your blog to see how it goes.
Yo amo España!
Claudia
@Claudia Thanks so much for your comments Claudia! It’s cool to hear about your experiences as draining as they were for you. I’ll try and check this film out as it sounds interesting. How’s your Spanish? I see you know some!
Will,
Have refrained from commenting on this project as yet but this post is irresitible.
I love this Will. I love this.
I think I’ve acheived a fair amount in my life, certainly for my age and in this country, but I’ve never had this level of intimacy and kinship with any other humanoid.
One day. One day.
I love you
Christopher xo
@Chris Thanks mate. I wondered why you refrained? Was it that you didn’t feel the need to comment back because nothing engaged you or something else? Keep in touch mate. I miss you.
Long distance is difficult if there is no clear mutual understanding of where it is leading,or if there is no way forward to spending more,not necessarily all time together.
I lost the long distance relationship with a Brazilian girl,as I could not offer a clear way forward to being together more.
But we were at a different stage in life,in our mid 30′s and her with a kid.So a little different.A little more of a complex problem.
Only advice I can offer is if you’re with someone with character try not to lose them.
@Aleks That’s spot on advice Aleks and you’re certainly right about this girl having character. It’s tough yes, but I’m a big believer that everything works out for the best!
Long distance is never easy…..no matter how good the sex. how good the love. it ain’t easy. And then there is the part when you live together. More adjustments. And the ride is worth it.
Nancy! Thanks for coming over and checking MSA out! You’re totally right about the long distance thing, I’ve done them both now (being LD and travelling with someone) and they’re both just as tough as each other.
Will, this is a fantastic post. I have the wanderlust too and being stuck in the one place for 15 years (Spain) has just about driven me nuts. However, I too have a partner who would completely understand if I buggered off to do some personal thing somewhere else … though my wee lassie of 12 needs me and I´ll be here for the foreseeable future. My view is that there´s no practical or personal point in suffocating somebody who wants to do something. You and your girl are a wonderful example of that and despite the difficulties I think it makes for a better-lived life.
I was suggested this website via my cousin. I’m no longer sure whether or not this post is written by means of him as nobody else realize such specific about my trouble. You are wonderful! Thanks!